Unresolved Tension

In the initial shock of a crisis it’s natural, and easy, to call for help. In the immediate aftermath of a crisis as well, it’s natural and easy to share with others the good news of a crisis overcome, or even bad news of loss and defeat. But when the immediate crisis becomes a prolonged battle with no end in sight, it’s not so natural or easy to keep asking and sharing.

When a crisis evolves into a long slog of a battle that seems to have no end, when there’s little or no progress – or even worse, when there are losses and defeats – the battle turns inward and weariness, discouragement, frustration and depression become the enemy. Hope and the will to fight are inevitable casualties.

Anyone left still watching this blog may have noticed a bit of a hiatus recently. Fighting several battles at once, each one seeming never to end, has brought on a weariness that can’t bear to face the struggle, a fatigue that begs for relief or escape.

Into this depression came my last post (How Great is our God). More than just my own wondering, I felt like God was confronting me, asking whether I would continue to believe in his goodness, whether I would continue to trust him, whether I would continue to obey him and stay on the front lines even if I couldn’t see the end. Even if the end looked like a defeat. Even if I was certain that, in the end, there would be defeat.

I don’t know where this fits theologically, but I feel God calling me to the battle whether or not there is any hope of winning. I could very well lose Yvonne to cancer. Relationships that I desperately wish were healed may never be. Friends and family that I dearly love may never respond to God's invitation to redemption and wholeness.

Comprehending this call from God to live in unresolved tension is a new thing for me; I want to believe that God always, sooner or later, answers prayers and resolves these conflicts, these tensions in our lives. Well... maybe; maybe not. All I know at the moment is that for me to be faithful means to continue to trust, to continue to pray, to continue to do whatever I can to bring God’s kingdom to bear in these battles, and to do it as though I intend to win them.

Dear God, grant me the courage.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:35,36